aliljaded 53F
23949 posts
6/22/2017 1:53 am
Safety when looking for a Potential Dom/me

Safety when looking for a Potential Dom/me

For subs, looking for a potential Dom/me can be a minefield of traps, pitfalls, abusers, users, fakes, and cheaters. So how do you best prepare yourself when you think you have found someone that you could see yourself submitting to? There are many things that you can do, that any Dom/me with nothing to hide, would be happy to know you are doing. here is a list of things that I would suggest to any sub in this situation…

1. get to know the person first from a distance without ANY mention of D/s or sexual play. This can be done in days, weeks or months… However long it takes you to feel comfortable moving to the next step.

2. Ask LOTS of questions. Ask your potential Dom/me about past relationships, both D/s and vanilla. How many have they had? How did they end? Are they still friends with their ex’s? Would their ex’s be happy for you to talk to them and ask about their relationship? Have they ever had a sexually transmitted disease? Do they have ? All these questions will give you a general idea on the type of person your potential Dom/me is. Watch out for red flags such as avoidance of questions, large numbers of relationships that ended badly, unwillingness to take the time to let you get comfortable with who they are etc…

3. Ask general questions about their past and who they are. Do they have a criminal record? Do they use drugs? Are they big drinkers? Do they smoke? What is their financial situation? Do they work? if not, then why? Ask them to describe themselves and compare that to what your gut tells you from what you have learned so far about them.

4. Find out if they are part of any D/s communities, online or in real life. Would they let you become part of that community and talk to others that have been around them for longer?

5. Ask them what they are looking for in a sub, what their kinks/fetishes are (Do NOT volunteer yours until they give you theirs), Are they looking for an online dynamic or something that could be real life? Ask what their opinions are on punishments, discipline, personal growth, what types of D/s dynamics interest them most, what does being a Dominant mean to them, what does submission mean to them, what do they want/need from a sub, are they physically able to protect you if needed… Ask anything you can think of that you think will make you feel more comfortable.

6. Ask them if they would be willing to supply you with a criminal background check from the police. Take a sexual health physically and supply you with the doctor's report.

7. Once you feel comfortable with all the responses you have received from asking all the above questions, then you may feel more at ease about opening up about yourself. What you want/need from a D/s dynamic, your past experiences, your hopes & fears, your kinks/fetishes etc…

Now, I am not saying that anyone with a criminal record or has caught a sexually transmitted disease, or has had relationships that have ended badly, or doesn’t have a job, or little money are not worthy of being your Dom/me. But you have to use your common sense here… look at the circumstances. be particularly wary of criminal convictions for assault, sexual crimes (Obviously), drug abuse/dealing, Domestic abuse, avoidance of Maintenance payments etc… The point is that you have all the information you need up front to make an informed decision about letting someone into your life in such an intimate way.

Once your are comfortable with it all so far, and have begun opening up about yourself, and you want to move into the D/s side of things, then it’s time for you to think about what you want from negotiations.

Think very carefully about what you really want/need, understand that you can compromise, but NEVER be willing to sell out who you are as a person, your core beliefs etc… At this point, you may find out that although you seemed to be compatible on the surface, in fact you are looking for completely different things. And that’s ok. No harm no foul. If you have both been honest, then this is the where you would both understand your own wants/needs will not be fulfilled by this person, and part company.

If you are able to negotiate the terms of a dynamic that you want and are happy with them, then stick to them. Do not let the Dom/me try to constantly renegotiate the terms based on his/her wants in a particular situation. Make an agreement that you can both renegotiate maybe once every 6 months, or once a year. This is important because people change, their wants/needs change, and renegotiations allow you both to take those changes into consideration.

I hope you can see why honesty & trust are so highly regarded virtues within a D/s Dynamic. Without these, then how can possibly hope to have a successful relationship with anyone? More so in a D/s dynamic where you may be allowing your Dom/me to pretty much have your life in their hands when it comes to edge play/impact play etc…

A good strong foundation built on trust, respect and mutual fidelity, will ensure that your Dynamic has the best possible chance of success. You as a sub, must ALWAYS feel safe, free enough to talk openly to your Dom/me about any concerns you may have with them, or a situation. Always be watchful for red flags such as an overly sensitive Dom/me that takes any of your concerns as personal attacks. Or seems to only be interested in listening to you when it suits them.

And always remember that YOU, the sub, has the power in the Dynamic. The only powers the Dom/me has are the ones that you have gifted to him/her. If you feel abused/used then take them back! Sub does not equate to being a doormat, please remember that.

I hope this post helps you as a sub, understand a little more about the things you can do to feel safer going into a new Dynamic, and the things you can do to make sure you are with someone that is in it for the right reasons, and not just for kinky sex, financial gain, or to satisfy their inner control freak.

~Dominant Life


"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”


EvolvedEdge 57M
295 posts
7/30/2020 7:21 pm

Spot on. I would add that a sub should always be able to bring any manner of concern to the table at any time, and it’s a dom’s responsibility to ensure that an environment conducive to that exists in the exchange. The ability to listen to any truth (including difficult ones) calmly, confidently, and without putting ego first should be in the core nature of any dom/me capable of a healthy exchange. Domineering manipulators and narcissists will fail to a one where matters that even glancingly touch ego are concerned..


JoElspanstp 70M

7/30/2020 4:38 pm

Very good.


kedsintheass 56M
34 posts
6/22/2017 8:51 pm

yes I agree completely and where can I find a mistress like you have describe here and not just all the fakes that seem to be on this site???????


rosaenaluin 65F
10827 posts
6/22/2017 2:23 pm

A very good and needed piece of advice.

Both for subs and dom/mes....

Distinguish the bad apples from the trustwarthy ones.

Take your time, dont let anybody force you..
You as a sub have the right to want to know those facts.
stay safe.

A totally great picture! love it!


aliljaded 53F
8847 posts
6/22/2017 3:57 am

Interesting

"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”



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